Thursday Thoughts: Helping Children deal with grief, trials and death

So, these past few weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. It seems that trial after trial is hitting our family all at once. (Read more here.) But, it has given us great talking points with our 6-yr old.

I consulted a friend who worked in Hospice for 9-10 years on how to handle this whole situation. I had so many questions. How do we tell him? What do we tell him? How much should we leave out? How often do we let him visit the hospital? And on and on. Her answers, from her past experiences, were very helpful. So, I thought I’d share a few of her tips with you all, just in case you find yourself in the same situation someday.

How do we tell him? You just need to sit him down and calmly explain what is going on. You don’t need to give too much detail, unless he asks questions. You need to find a time when it can just be him alone and no other distractions, such as when the other children are napping.

What do we tell him? Enough, but not too much. (Now how vague is that?) In our case, we should tell him his Papa has cancer and that it is making him very sick. The Hubster also went on to say that “God may take Papa home soon. Do you know what that means?” My son says, “Yes, to his house down the street.” “No. When God takes us home, it means to Heaven.” He was real quiet. And the Hubster followed up with, “Do you have any questions?” That left it open for him to pursue anything he didn’t understand.

How much should we leave out? You don’t need to give gory details. Give just enough for them to be satisfied.

How often do we let him visit the hospital? As often as you want or he wants. As long as it’s okay with the patient. It is the parents call whether or not you want him up there when things are nearing the end. But, some kids need to see things to process them and others are okay with just knowing it happened. You know your children and their personalities, so the parents need to judge.

She also said, that in her experiences, the more the child(ren) were involved in the process the more at ease they were. For instance, one of her patients had a feeding tube and she invited the child over to help with the “feeding.” This made the tubing less scary and gave the child more confidence to visit his loved one.

If the child asks questions and is extremely curious, its okay to answer them. They will know if you’re lying to them, so don’t! BUT…answer ONLY their question. Don’t give them more information than they ask for. It can be overwhelming to them just as it is to us. But, they will need more time to process. So, don’t be surprised if they shake it off and go play for a while and come back with more questions. That is normal.

Overall, the point is, don’t hold back if the child is curious. It’s normal and perfectly okay (and even advised) to involve them in the process. Death can be a scary thing for a child because it is unknown and confusing. But, with PRAYER and God’s guidance you will have the right words to say at the right time.

I hope this helps those of you dealing with grief, trials and death. Just knowing what to say and have some of those questions answered was comforting to me as a mother.

I will leave you with an uplifting, child-like faith story: On the way to church last night, I was asking my 6yr old if he understood what Daddy told him earlier. He said yes and I asked if he had questions. He said no. I said, Really? (Not that I particularly wanted him to ask me a question, but I want him to understand..) He paused, took in a deep breath and exhaled quickly. Then, he looked at me and said (in a semi-sarcastic tone, as in…duh Mom…), “Mom…it’s okay. I know Papa’s a Christian and has Jesus in his heart. He’s going to heaven. Don’t worry…I’ll see him again!” Tears of JOY filled my eyes as I heard my son speak those sweet, sweet words. I am blessed!! Truly, truly BLESSED!!

Have any of you dealt with a trial in your family? How did you handle telling your children? What advice would you give others going through such trials?

Blessings,

Annette

Update on my daddy: They are still running more tests. Today their primary concern is stopping the bleeding in the bladder after his procedure on Monday. He is starting to have back spasms which cause his heart rate to jump up, so please be in prayer for this. They are able to control it with pain medication. Thank you for your kind words and support during this time. We feel a peace that only our Lord and Savior can give and I know it is because we are being bathed in prayer.

Thursday Thoughts: Cancer SUCKS...but MY God is GREATER!!!

CANCER SUCKS...but MY God is GREATER!!!!

That’s right, I said it…CANCER SUCKS!!! Now, that is not a word I use often or around my kids, but I honestly can’t think of another word that describes it so accurately. It’s a mean, nasty, ruthless, life-changing disease that seems to invade families when they least expect it. How do I know? Well, it’s happened in our family FOUR times in the last 17 years!!!

My Grandmother

17 years ago my fraternal grandmother found out through her mammogram that she had Breast Cancer. It was a shock to us all. This was the first time I had dealt with anything this serious and life-changing. I was 18 at the time and I can remember just about everything surrounding that event. I remember hearing the news from my dad and crying because I had no idea what could be done for her. I remember when she had her mastectomy. I remember staying overnight at the hospital, because I was the only one who could that night. I remember her loosing her hair and how sick she got after her chemo treatments. I also remember when she found out the treatments had worked and she was declared cancer free!! And when her hair finally started growing back in. That event changed my life forever. I saw how mighty and sovereign my Lord was. He was the one who healed my grandmother. Yes, she may have had man-made treatments, but God allowed those treatments to work and to heal her body. And because of his divine plan, she is still here with us today! My God is GREATER than cancer!!!

My Grandfather

9 years ago this Friday, my fraternal grandfather died. He went into the ER just two short weeks earlier. I remember coming home from college over Thanksgiving and finding out he had been struggling with sickness. He had missed days of work (totally not like him…or any other man for that matter) and just been run-down. I asked him about his symptoms and they sounded very similar to my gall bladder issues. So, I firmly told him that if he did NOT take himself to the doctor for a check-up, I was going to take him when I was home on Christmas break. Well, that did it. He made an appointment the next week. They ran blood tests, x-rays and who knows what else. They saw some spots and ran tests, which led them to believe it was cancer. They sought a second opinion and were told it was NOT cancer. So, on he went with life and work (when he could). Shortly after Christmas, his symptoms returned yet again and he went back to another doctor, which then confirmed what the first one had said – it was indeed Cancer, lung cancer. And, it was advanced. A few short weeks later he entered the emergency room with pain and other symptoms. He never set foot outside again. He was admitted to the hospital and told they were going to start chemo while he was there. They did two rounds of it and knew it was doing no good – only making him more sick. They tried breathing treatments to help his breathing, but soon they quit those as well. After the first week, he was pretty much unresponsive and lay there in a medicine-induced coma. I came home that weekend and said good-bye to my grandfather for the last time. My boyfriend/fiancé (that’s another post for another time) at the time (now my husband), was with me. He stayed in the hospital room with me, read scripture, sang songs and prayed with my family. That was also the first time he met my extended family. What a meeting. We left that Monday (we didn’t have school on Mondays) and drove back to school. I received the call on Tuesday around 11:30am that my grandfather had passed away. It was peaceful, quiet and calm. He was now rejoicing in Heaven. I was crushed!! He was my first (and thus far, only) grandparent to pass away. It was difficult. I still miss him! My God is GREATER than death!!

My Father-in-law

Just last November my father-in-law found out he had prostate cancer. His father had it years ago and his grandfather died from it, so it was no surprise. It runs in his family. Thankfully they caught it extremely early and were able to take a course of treatment that will allow him to live a long and full life. My God is GREATER than genetics!!

My Daddy

Fast forward 9 years (almost to the day) from when my grandfather died and now we’re dealing with cancer yet again!! Last week my dad entered the hospital with a cough and severe pain. That’s it! It quickly turned into something more when they discovered he had a collapsed lung. They inserted a chest tube and put him on full oxygen. Almost instantly he felt better. But, the x-ray showed spots. They admitted him and two days later they did a biopsy. Suddenly, in 4 days time my family’s life has changed once again. Last Saturday he was told with certainty it was cancer. We are still waiting on his PET scan to find out exactly what we’re dealing with, but at least we know what it is now. I am not scared this time. It is difficult to watch him endure this trial in his life, yet I know who is in control. I also know that my God is bigger and greater than any ol’ stupid cancer!!! And with that certainty I continue to pray for God to be glorified in this situation. As difficult as that is for my human side, I know that is my dad’s deepest desire. No matter the outcome, he wants God to be glorified! Praise be to our God Most High!  My God is GREATER than ANY treatment plan!!!

So, you can see why I say CANCER SUCKS!!!! I know there are families that have dealt with more serious cancers or diseases. I don’t mean to trivialize their feelings or situations. It affects each family…person differently.

However, I am so thankful that my family members are assured of their eternal reward. I am blessed to have God-fearing grandparents, parents, in-laws, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.  If the LORD Jesus, who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or even imagine, takes them home, I may miss them for a time, but I will see them again, for I know them to believe, as do I, that:

“Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.” 1 Corinthians 15:3b-8 ESV

and also that:

“Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:5b-11 ESV

Blessings,

Annette

If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please email me to find out how you can!!! Trust me…it is THE BEST decision you can ever make!!


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