Thursday Thoughts: 35 and missing my Daddy

I hope you’ll forgive me for not getting this out yesterday. This post has been more difficult to write than I thought. I’ve been thinking about my upcoming birthday for a while now. I knew I was turning 35 and that just hit me hard. I don’t know why…it’s just a number. But, it did.

And then this week it really hit me. This is my first birthday without my Dad. And since my birthday falls on Resurrection Day this year, it’s a double-wammy of sorts. My Dad loved to celebrate birthdays and he especially loved Resurrection Day.

More years than not, my Dad sang on the praise team at church on Resurrection Sunday. On occasion, he even sang solos. We even did a few cantatas together.

Anyone who knew my Dad and saw him sing knew he sang from his heart and with his entire body! He was quite expressive to say the least. He was “fun” to watch because you knew he felt it from the inside out. And, unfortunately, that’s rare these days. I will miss his singing.

So this particular holiday will be difficult for me on the one hand. However, I am so blessed, grateful and beyond thankful to know my Daddy knew his Heavenly Father and he’s rejoicing with him this Resurrection Sunday. What an unbelievable sight that must be to actually see Him face-to-face and fully rejoice in His resurrection!! I am jealous!! Absolutely jealous. He always did have to do things first!! :-)

How will celebrate Resurrection Sunday? Do you hunt eggs and have baskets or do something completely different?

Thanks for joining me today for Thursdays Thoughts.

Blessings,

Annette

Thursday Thoughts: Reality hits

My Dad holding my oldest daughter the day she was born.

The past few weeks have been rough to say the least. Some days I find myself able to get my housework/chores done, cook meals and take care of the kids with relative ease. And other days…like today…I find myself struggling to keep back the tears.

It’s the little things that get me. My kids talking about Papa living with Jesus now or my oldest talking about Indiana Jones, which he watched the first time with my Dad. And sometimes, it’s things like thinking about leaving this house where my kids made so many memories with my Dad, where he helped my husband put the flooring in and paint before we moved in. I also think about the next time God blesses us with a miracle…my Dad will not be there to hold him/her. He’s always been there.

There’s nothing I can do about it. He’s gone. He’s really gone. He’s not coming back. There’s nothing that will change that. I miss him so much it hurts. I know many of you probably know the sting of death. Man…does it sting!

But, I am so thankful that those same memories that bring tears also bring peace. Those memories are much more precious to me now. I will hold them close for the rest of my life. Pictures speak a thousand words to me now.

Today has been a rough one. A friend reminded me, the rain may be pouring down at the time but, the beautiful rainbow we saw today following the rain…that brings hope. Hope of God’s perfect will. Hope of God’s grace. Hope of God’s perfect love. And the hope of a new tomorrow.

Blessings dear friends,

Annette

Thursday Thoughts: In a funk?

I found this just sitting on my computer. Although some of it is no longer true (I have found new reasons to write), I had to finish writing it. I know other people must have times like this too and I hope to minister to you who find yourself a little “lost” at times.

“I wish I was better at writing on this thing. I just haven't felt much like writing. It's been a hard couple months and I haven't found a lot I wanted to write about. Sadness seems to be around every corner and I'm hoping we are just getting the hard stuff for this year out of the way early.  It’s so easy to let life suck you in and get you down.  It's hard not to let Satan slip in and turn life's difficulties into more pain and sadness. I'm normally such an optimistic person.....to a fault.....and it's hard for me to feel down in the dumps. I'm great at faking a smile and pretending everything is ok......even when all I want to do is cry for a whole day. I can cry with the best of them when I'm happy or overjoyed, but sadness, pain, anger.......anything that makes me feel vulnerable, I bury it deep. Don't shed a tear. I'm really good at hiding my imperfections and keeping people thinking "she's got it all together".......she doesn't.  I'm really good at leaving my troubles at the door......even when i feel like I'm drowning in them.  I don't have these "funks" very often, thank goodness, but then again since they are so rare....I don't really know what to do when I get in one.” (Mid 2011)

(Continued 2012)

Then I am reminded....I am a daughter of THE King. No matter what I've done, what I'm going through....my value to Him is not diminished.  My debt is paid.  My pain has been felt. I have to learn to accept that and take advantage of the beautiful gift my Savior gave to me.  All of life's sorrows, pain, heartbreak, fear, anger and suffering......Christ felt it......experienced it.....a billion times over. I have to let it go. I have to do better. I have to allow His atoning sacrifice to work in my life. It wasn't just for my sins......it was for all of my pain. How can I deny this gift he so lovingly and selflessly gave? After all, even if I was the only one who needed saving......He still would have come for me.

Now, here me on this. I am not saying, you should completely forget about your sadness or deny your feelings. But, I am saying that if we don’t rely on our Heavenly Father to restore us and lift us up during those times, then who are we really? Are we really His child if we don’t run to Him with our problems?

My middles are completely attached to their own blankies. Whenever they get hurt, scared or tired they want to find those blankies. They want to hold them, cuddle them and rub on them. Those blankies make them feel safe. Protected. And most often, after they find their beloved blankies, they find Momma or Daddy. They want to know we’re here for them too.

Shouldn’t we treat our Heavenly Father the same way? When we have troubles, worries, hurts…should we not run to His Word for wisdom, peace and comfort. He so desperately wants us to rely on Him and only Him. He will always be there with the right words, a peace that passes all understanding and His loving, comforting arms that hold us tight.

Allow His Word to be your “blankie”. Trust Him to do his part and He will never let you down. I promise!

Photo credit

“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?” Matthew 6:26 (NASB)

  

Blessings,

Annette

Teachable Tuesday: Tough lessons to learn...

Yesterday was our first day back at school after several weeks off. We were doing minimal schooling while my Dad was in the hospital, but it completely went by the wayside after his passing on February 14^th. The remainder of that week was spent making funeral arrangements, phone calls, taking care of the music aspect for the service and so much more.

Even though we did not have “traditional” school that week (or the two weeks following), my kids were learning. They were learning how to be flexible, which for my kids is a good lesson to learn! They are so used to our routine and it’s rarely interrupted, that sometimes a topsy-turvy day takes its toll on me and them.

The boys (the older of our 4 kids) also learned the heartache of loss. I think telling my boys that “Papa D” had gone to be with Jesus was one of the most difficult things I have done to date. It is so hard to watch your child go through any pain, especially the loss of someone they love so dearly.

But, along with that loss, they have learned how important it is to have Jesus in their heart! They have seen love, compassion, generosity and just plain friendship in full force. They have seen good friends step in and help (from childcare to running errands to sitting with my kids while I took a shower). They have also seen “strangers” to them bring loads of food for our family with Joy on their faces and Love in their hearts.

They have seen first-hand how The Church should love it’s people! And, that…that is something I could never do alone. So, Thank You to the people who have helped me teach my children over the past few weeks. Thank you to the friends who have stepped in and help show my kids what it means to give sacrificially.

These life lessons are so difficult to learn, especially at such a young age. But, they are so important and vital to our growth in the Lord. I am just so blessed and thankful that I get to lead my own children through this trial and time of learning. Although, really I’m walking right beside them and learning as I go along too.

Blessings,

Annette

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Scriptural Sundays: 2 Chronicles 16:9

"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.”

2 Chronicles 16:9 

I am sorry I have missed a few days of posts. These past few days have been very long and difficult. My Daddy is still hanging in there and fighting with all he has, but he doesn’t have much strength left. So, I along with my mother and brothers are fighting for him and with him. But I must admit, this is NOT a battle I thought I would ever fight, nor one I wanted to fight.

My youngest brother was able to get leave this weekend from Tech school (he’s in the Air Force). He joined us late Friday night after a very, very emotional day. We were all thrilled to see him, even if it was 10pm!! And, my Daddy was happy too.

Here’s my facebook post on Saturday (copied from my mom):

Yesterday was a busy day. Went down for CT scan. Followed by breathing distress and over to Special Procedures. Stabilized with breathing treatment so on to Radiation therapy. Severe breathing distress, back to Special Procedures. Breathing treatments, sterioids, anxiety, C-pap. CT results available, no PE (basically, blood clot) but right lung collapse. Radiology - chest tube, central line put in and stable enough to do liver biopsy. So many unanswered questions. Thank you Lord for a quiet and restful night. Thank you for letting us see all 3 of our children. (My thoughts)**We have been so blessed by the prayers and support from our family and friends! Thank you all for continuing to intercede on my family's behalf!!!

After Friday, Saturday was a mostly uneventful day. I was able to visit briefly in the morning and then come back up and say goodnight to him. He was extremely tired and needed his rest after Friday.

We were hopeful after his positive day on Saturday, so it was a bit of a shock on Sunday when my mother text me early and said he had a difficult night. Lots of trapped gas causing pain and they were trying to help relieve the pressure. Apparently they were unable to do so. I got a text in the middle of church that said they were inserting a tube to empty the stomach contents and hopefully relieve gas pressure. This did not completely work and his pain was getting worse. They ordered a CT scan (which my brother and mother had to convince him to do, especially after the ordeal on Friday) and found that the intestine was “kinked” and just needed to be relaxed. So they are now in the process of emptying the upper section of intestine in order to allow the kink to relax and hopefully subside. Then, they can again go to work on the lower bowel.

Leaving my Daddy behind at the hospital is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I am absolutely POSITIVE 100% that I will see my Daddy again (when his time comes). I am just not ready to say goodbye. I was blessed to have all 4 of my grandparents alive until I was 25 years old!! And, now the thought of my kids not having their grandpa alive is sometimes more than I can bear. I will miss seeing my Daddy’s smile, hearing is roaring laughter and feeling his warm arms around me when I need a hug. I am just not ready for life without him. But, as we’re reminded in 2 Chronicles 16:9, God is there to strengthen my heart. All I need to do is ask!

But, isn’t that the hardest part…asking? I am perfectly comfortable asking for help with a project. Or asking for help with dinner. Or asking for help with my kids. But when it comes to asking God for help to strengthen us in times of trial…that seems more difficult to me. Now, don’t get me wrong, my entire family and I have been praying for strength during this whole process. But, asking for strength to bear pain…a deep pain you never knew existed before, is so much harder. Maybe it’s because that makes it more real. So.Much.More.Real.

I may not understand why my Daddy and our family has to go through this trial, but I know The One who does. And, if I remain fully committed to Him – He will continue to be my strength. And in that…that I can find rest.

Blessings,

Annette

Thursday Thoughts: Helping Children deal with grief, trials and death

So, these past few weeks have been a bit of a blur for me. It seems that trial after trial is hitting our family all at once. (Read more here.) But, it has given us great talking points with our 6-yr old.

I consulted a friend who worked in Hospice for 9-10 years on how to handle this whole situation. I had so many questions. How do we tell him? What do we tell him? How much should we leave out? How often do we let him visit the hospital? And on and on. Her answers, from her past experiences, were very helpful. So, I thought I’d share a few of her tips with you all, just in case you find yourself in the same situation someday.

How do we tell him? You just need to sit him down and calmly explain what is going on. You don’t need to give too much detail, unless he asks questions. You need to find a time when it can just be him alone and no other distractions, such as when the other children are napping.

What do we tell him? Enough, but not too much. (Now how vague is that?) In our case, we should tell him his Papa has cancer and that it is making him very sick. The Hubster also went on to say that “God may take Papa home soon. Do you know what that means?” My son says, “Yes, to his house down the street.” “No. When God takes us home, it means to Heaven.” He was real quiet. And the Hubster followed up with, “Do you have any questions?” That left it open for him to pursue anything he didn’t understand.

How much should we leave out? You don’t need to give gory details. Give just enough for them to be satisfied.

How often do we let him visit the hospital? As often as you want or he wants. As long as it’s okay with the patient. It is the parents call whether or not you want him up there when things are nearing the end. But, some kids need to see things to process them and others are okay with just knowing it happened. You know your children and their personalities, so the parents need to judge.

She also said, that in her experiences, the more the child(ren) were involved in the process the more at ease they were. For instance, one of her patients had a feeding tube and she invited the child over to help with the “feeding.” This made the tubing less scary and gave the child more confidence to visit his loved one.

If the child asks questions and is extremely curious, its okay to answer them. They will know if you’re lying to them, so don’t! BUT…answer ONLY their question. Don’t give them more information than they ask for. It can be overwhelming to them just as it is to us. But, they will need more time to process. So, don’t be surprised if they shake it off and go play for a while and come back with more questions. That is normal.

Overall, the point is, don’t hold back if the child is curious. It’s normal and perfectly okay (and even advised) to involve them in the process. Death can be a scary thing for a child because it is unknown and confusing. But, with PRAYER and God’s guidance you will have the right words to say at the right time.

I hope this helps those of you dealing with grief, trials and death. Just knowing what to say and have some of those questions answered was comforting to me as a mother.

I will leave you with an uplifting, child-like faith story: On the way to church last night, I was asking my 6yr old if he understood what Daddy told him earlier. He said yes and I asked if he had questions. He said no. I said, Really? (Not that I particularly wanted him to ask me a question, but I want him to understand..) He paused, took in a deep breath and exhaled quickly. Then, he looked at me and said (in a semi-sarcastic tone, as in…duh Mom…), “Mom…it’s okay. I know Papa’s a Christian and has Jesus in his heart. He’s going to heaven. Don’t worry…I’ll see him again!” Tears of JOY filled my eyes as I heard my son speak those sweet, sweet words. I am blessed!! Truly, truly BLESSED!!

Have any of you dealt with a trial in your family? How did you handle telling your children? What advice would you give others going through such trials?

Blessings,

Annette

Update on my daddy: They are still running more tests. Today their primary concern is stopping the bleeding in the bladder after his procedure on Monday. He is starting to have back spasms which cause his heart rate to jump up, so please be in prayer for this. They are able to control it with pain medication. Thank you for your kind words and support during this time. We feel a peace that only our Lord and Savior can give and I know it is because we are being bathed in prayer.

Thursday Thoughts: Cancer SUCKS...but MY God is GREATER!!!

CANCER SUCKS...but MY God is GREATER!!!!

That’s right, I said it…CANCER SUCKS!!! Now, that is not a word I use often or around my kids, but I honestly can’t think of another word that describes it so accurately. It’s a mean, nasty, ruthless, life-changing disease that seems to invade families when they least expect it. How do I know? Well, it’s happened in our family FOUR times in the last 17 years!!!

My Grandmother

17 years ago my fraternal grandmother found out through her mammogram that she had Breast Cancer. It was a shock to us all. This was the first time I had dealt with anything this serious and life-changing. I was 18 at the time and I can remember just about everything surrounding that event. I remember hearing the news from my dad and crying because I had no idea what could be done for her. I remember when she had her mastectomy. I remember staying overnight at the hospital, because I was the only one who could that night. I remember her loosing her hair and how sick she got after her chemo treatments. I also remember when she found out the treatments had worked and she was declared cancer free!! And when her hair finally started growing back in. That event changed my life forever. I saw how mighty and sovereign my Lord was. He was the one who healed my grandmother. Yes, she may have had man-made treatments, but God allowed those treatments to work and to heal her body. And because of his divine plan, she is still here with us today! My God is GREATER than cancer!!!

My Grandfather

9 years ago this Friday, my fraternal grandfather died. He went into the ER just two short weeks earlier. I remember coming home from college over Thanksgiving and finding out he had been struggling with sickness. He had missed days of work (totally not like him…or any other man for that matter) and just been run-down. I asked him about his symptoms and they sounded very similar to my gall bladder issues. So, I firmly told him that if he did NOT take himself to the doctor for a check-up, I was going to take him when I was home on Christmas break. Well, that did it. He made an appointment the next week. They ran blood tests, x-rays and who knows what else. They saw some spots and ran tests, which led them to believe it was cancer. They sought a second opinion and were told it was NOT cancer. So, on he went with life and work (when he could). Shortly after Christmas, his symptoms returned yet again and he went back to another doctor, which then confirmed what the first one had said – it was indeed Cancer, lung cancer. And, it was advanced. A few short weeks later he entered the emergency room with pain and other symptoms. He never set foot outside again. He was admitted to the hospital and told they were going to start chemo while he was there. They did two rounds of it and knew it was doing no good – only making him more sick. They tried breathing treatments to help his breathing, but soon they quit those as well. After the first week, he was pretty much unresponsive and lay there in a medicine-induced coma. I came home that weekend and said good-bye to my grandfather for the last time. My boyfriend/fiancé (that’s another post for another time) at the time (now my husband), was with me. He stayed in the hospital room with me, read scripture, sang songs and prayed with my family. That was also the first time he met my extended family. What a meeting. We left that Monday (we didn’t have school on Mondays) and drove back to school. I received the call on Tuesday around 11:30am that my grandfather had passed away. It was peaceful, quiet and calm. He was now rejoicing in Heaven. I was crushed!! He was my first (and thus far, only) grandparent to pass away. It was difficult. I still miss him! My God is GREATER than death!!

My Father-in-law

Just last November my father-in-law found out he had prostate cancer. His father had it years ago and his grandfather died from it, so it was no surprise. It runs in his family. Thankfully they caught it extremely early and were able to take a course of treatment that will allow him to live a long and full life. My God is GREATER than genetics!!

My Daddy

Fast forward 9 years (almost to the day) from when my grandfather died and now we’re dealing with cancer yet again!! Last week my dad entered the hospital with a cough and severe pain. That’s it! It quickly turned into something more when they discovered he had a collapsed lung. They inserted a chest tube and put him on full oxygen. Almost instantly he felt better. But, the x-ray showed spots. They admitted him and two days later they did a biopsy. Suddenly, in 4 days time my family’s life has changed once again. Last Saturday he was told with certainty it was cancer. We are still waiting on his PET scan to find out exactly what we’re dealing with, but at least we know what it is now. I am not scared this time. It is difficult to watch him endure this trial in his life, yet I know who is in control. I also know that my God is bigger and greater than any ol’ stupid cancer!!! And with that certainty I continue to pray for God to be glorified in this situation. As difficult as that is for my human side, I know that is my dad’s deepest desire. No matter the outcome, he wants God to be glorified! Praise be to our God Most High!  My God is GREATER than ANY treatment plan!!!

So, you can see why I say CANCER SUCKS!!!! I know there are families that have dealt with more serious cancers or diseases. I don’t mean to trivialize their feelings or situations. It affects each family…person differently.

However, I am so thankful that my family members are assured of their eternal reward. I am blessed to have God-fearing grandparents, parents, in-laws, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.  If the LORD Jesus, who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or even imagine, takes them home, I may miss them for a time, but I will see them again, for I know them to believe, as do I, that:

“Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, then to the twelve. Then he appeared to more than five hundred brothers at one time, most of whom are still alive, though some have fallen asleep. Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles. Last of all, as to one untimely born, he appeared also to me.” 1 Corinthians 15:3b-8 ESV

and also that:

“Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.” Philippians 2:5b-11 ESV

Blessings,

Annette

If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, please email me to find out how you can!!! Trust me…it is THE BEST decision you can ever make!!


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52 Fridays: Week 4

It is true that if you’re pursuing a godly life and a right relationship with Him, the evil one will come in and do anything and everything in his power to distract you; to turn your focus away from Him. Well, this week was one of those weeks.

My children are finally over the RSV (Praise the Lord!!), but now it’s my dad. Last week he went in for some pain and a cough. He came out with an antibiotic and some cough medicine. No biggie. He was doing really well through the weekend and then Monday the cough came back. And Tuesday, the pain had moved to his other side and up (around his heart). So, that night he ended up in the ER having a battery of tests run. Those tests showed he had a 30% collapsed lung and some nodules in his lung too. They admitted him to the hospital for observation. The next day he had some more tests run and awaited the doctor…we waited too. Thursday he underwent a biopsy and now we’re left waiting again. These are ALL tactics the evil one uses to his advantage. Or at least he tries! But, my dad is probably one of the most prayed over people!! He’s had 8 ordained ministers pray over him and with him, small groups, 3 different churches, numerous prayer groups, friends and family. It’s been amazing to see the outpouring of love from so many people – God’s people!

On Wednesday evening, another tragedy struck. A young lady who attends our church was tragically killed in a car crash. I was just walking out of our Women’s study when I saw the 2 OHP standing in the foyer with a set of parents. They were there to inform them of her death. Being married to an ordained minister, I know this will not be the last time I deal with death. But, as a mother, my heart broke in that instant as I watched the devastation sweep over her parents. I remember her smiling face and her sweet disposition. We sat next to each other for the past 3 years on the front row at Music Camp. She was our lead choreography teacher at Music Camp and the youngest sister of a friend from high school. She will be deeply missed.

Even though these two events have disrupted my calm, peaceful life I WILL NOT let the evil one win. He has been conquered by my Lord and Savior once and he WILL BE conquered again! Death has been overcome and I know that sweet Miranda is living out her eternal reward!! I am saddened as a mother for her parents, as a sister for her own sisters and as a friend, but I am so thankful that I will one day see her again!! Praise be to God!!! And for my dad…the nurses have noticed a difference when they walk in his room. There is peace. There is hope. There is LOVE!!

So, maybe I didn’t get to my kitchen this week. Maybe I didn’t keep up with the laundry as well as I would’ve liked. And maybe, just maybe there’s a pile of dishes in my sink. SO.WHAT?! They will be there tomorrow. (Or later today, since they are kinda driving me nuts already. lol) The point is…Live your FAITH out daily!!!! Share your love of Jesus with anyone and EVERYONE you meet! You never know what today may bring and tomorrow might be too late.

Blessings,

Annette

   “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

   “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”    

-Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)




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