Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I should know this by now

You would think at my age I would know by now. You would think that I would quit questioning and just believe. But, still I waiver - it may be slight or for just a split second, but I waiver. I waiver in my faith. I waiver in my ability to completely trust Him for everything!! At times it comes easy, but on the tough things I can waiver at a moments notice. I HATE THAT!!! I want to be completely SOLD OUT 100% HIS!!! So, why is it so hard? Why can't I just trust the track record I have come to know as perfect? I'm human. That's the only answer I have. And, that just doesn't sit right with me. So, tomorrow I will try again. And the next day I will try again. I will keep trying every day of my life - I will not give up!! God is not only good, but He is GREAT!! He is all-powerful, all-knowing and I can't imagine my life without Him.

So, what brought this revelation on? Well, I have to be honest I was stressed to the max and I couldn't see my way out. Since August I have been babysitting a 4-yr old boy. At first it was good and I would homeschool him on Mondays/Fridays along with my son. The other 3 days I would take him & pick him up from preschool. It was exhausting trying to keep up with it all and make it work in our family. We didn't have the freedom we once knew in our daily schedule. We couldn't just pick up and go when and where we wanted. We were tied down. Then, there's the ever increasing issues between my son and the other boy. These past 2 weeks they have been unbearable when the two of them were together. The only words I used all day were "don't, quit, stop, leave him alone!" It was taxing to say the least. By dinner time I was completely spent and ready to just retreat into solitude for the rest of the night. It was wearing on me and it was showing. So, I began to pray about it. I didn't know what the answer would be, but I knew there would be one. Either God would help me see how to change their behaviors towards each other or He would give us a way out.

On Monday, yesterday, it became absolutely clear that I was not going to able to watch this boy anymore. The dynamics were not meshing anymore and it was getting out of control. There are many issues, but the most dominate being he is an only child of a split family. So, when he was over here he would push Tyler's buttons - ALL OF THEM!!! Monday it was at its all-time worst!! I knew it was no longer beneficial for my son to have this going on in our house. We needed out. But how? I have spent the past year building the relationship between us and his mom and I didn't want that to be wasted. I wanted to maintain a good relationship and one that we could continue growing. But how could I do that when I needed to tell her I could no longer watch her son? When she asked why, what would I say? I was in turmoil all day of it and even sick to my stomach. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. When the doorbell rang I knew I had run out of time. No more stalling, no more waiting. The time was now. I needed to tell her that after Christmas I was no longer going to be able to watch her son. Before I could start my end of the conversation, she began to talk. She told me that she had just gotten a call from the "Y" and her son (who had been wait-listed since August) was now in. And, he starts tomorrow!!

Can you believe it??? I was worried all day and it was taken care of - completely!! No need to say anything that might ruin the relationship we had built. No need to say anything at all!! God is so good!! No, God is GREAT!!!! I was worried for nothing. After all, I should know this by now!


Treasures from a Shoebox said...

What a wonderful testimony. It's so easy after we go through the trial to wonder why we feared in the first place. I am going through something similar and I feel that the Lord spoke through this post and is saying, "Just trust Me." Thank you for posting :)

Jessica said...

I love how God works! I so often "forget" to just have faith with things. Thanks so much for the reminder!